Ugly, Unhappy, Useless...suicidal

"And my weakness is that I care too much" ~Papa Roach (I care so much about what everybody thinks. Nobody tells me honestly so I assume the worst and end up living in fear. It truly is a weakness.)

"I am extrordinary if you ever get to know me. I am extrordinary, I am just your ordinary average everyday sane phycho, super godess." ~Liz Phair (These are the kind of people who should be alive. NOT ME!!)

I'm in so much pain right now that everything I see is blurry and I just want to close my eyes and escape this, but I can't. I feel so ugly and ashamed of what I look like. Why am I trapped in a body that makes me everything I don't want to be?! I'm naturally butt ugly but I can't be fake; I can't be beautiful unless it's real and makeup and plastic surgery is all not real. Therefore, no matter what I do, I can never and will never be beautiful. Do you have any idea how much this thought is KILLING me? Why am I even alive right now? I am not beautiful and I am not happy. Nobody knows the real me. Well, actually I am the only one who knows the real me and I hate myself. That's just great; the only person who truly knows who I am (me) hates who I truly am. So I can never honestly be myself because everyone around me would hate me. So I put on this rediculous masquerade where I go around caring soooo deeply about every little thing I do, thinking everything through trying to make everyone happy but I'm still miserable and nobody loves me. Well, nobody voluntarily loves me. I have friends. Scratch that. I have A friend, yes only one friend, who says that they love me and I don't even know if she even does. My family loves me but they have to love me. They don't love me by choice. Nobody loves me out of their own free will. Hell I don't even love myself. Why should anyone even take a second look at me? I can't get over the fact that I am so unbearably hideous to myself and everyone. When I was younger everyone around me told me that I was pretty. So much so that I began to believe it. Naturally when I got older I thought that everyone around me would appreciate my "beauty" that had been falsly planted in my personality. Now that I realize that I was BRAINWASHED into thinking that I could be pretty, I know that the people around me look at me and see exactly what I see. And I see filth. I see features that belong on semi-mature teenage boys. I see eyes that belong to billions of other people around the world. I am not unique. I am not beautiful. I am the most replaceably body in existance. There is no reason why I am here. I am not happy and I am not beautiful. I have neither of the two things that can get a person through life; happiness and beauty. Without that, what am I supposed to do? I have no chance at ever making it out alive. There is no way that I can live the rest of my life like this and if I have to keep on going through this I am going to make the choice really simple for myself. I did not add happiness or beauty to the world. The only person who knows the real me is me and I am so unhappy that I am considering death as an alternative to the mental beating that I'm constantly infliction on myself. My life has done a disservice to the world by adding ugliness and misery in the form of one uglyunhappy person. So tell me why I should live. I look, act, and live like millions of other people out there and I have nothing to add to the world. If I died tonight the world wouldn't stop. It wouldn't even stop for any single person. Nobody loves me enough to miss me. AND THE WORSE PART IS I AM DOING THIS ALL TO MYSELF!!!! I am responsible for my misery and I am responsible for my mental torture and somehow I can't understand why I can't just magically become happy and confidant and pretty. Now I ask myself, why don't I have the courage/will/whatever it takes to make myself do what I should logically do? I'm sitting here and the answer to it all is staring me in the face. Alive, I am misery and ugliness. Dead, I am nothing. Which is better? What should I be? Why am I holding onto life when my logic and reason is screaming at me to let go?! Hope. What in the name of GOD do I have hope for? Somewhere inside is some sort of calling or hidden happiness? Is there a purposful life burried in there somewhere? If there is something there that is subconciously stopping me from doing what's right, then why haven't I found it yet and how much longer till I do? Or will it just eat me alive till the day I die feeling useless and ugly and depressed? I guess what I'm saying is, is it worth holding onto this unidentified ray of hope even if there's a risk that I'll never see what this hope is?

I'm exhausted from crying and I want to sleep but I'm hurting so bad. I just got off the phone with Rowena. She knows I'm ugly and she wants me to be fake in order to be beautiful. She knows how pretty she is and she knows that she can be happy for the rest of her life based on nothing but that. Does she realize how much I want that security and happiness? I am so jealous of her! I want to die because I can never be naturally as gorgeous or as happy as her and she doesn't even do anything to work for her happiness!

I am not going to homecoming. I am not going to turnabout. I am not going to prom.

I
Am
Too
Ugly
To
Be
Happy
And
This
Thought
Will
Make
Me
Unhappy
Forever
.